Sonderella

Another beer related injury.

2012-02-15T06:54:00.000-08:00

I dropped a beer on my big toe. Now I have a huge black bruise on my big toe nail.

I made up a lovely song for it. Set to the beat of Cotton Eye Joe...

If it hadn't been for big black toe
I'd have worn sandals a long time ago
Where did you come from
Where did you go?
Oh yeah I dropped a beer on you
Big black toe

I was extremely bored yesterday driving an hour to and from work all aloney on my owney. My partner in crime aka my cousin, wimped out on me and stayed home from work.

Instead of having my usual entertainment I listened to the radio. Which sucks. I kept thinking of things to amuse her with, and couldn't. Because she wasn't beside me.

I'm really going to miss her next week, she is going to visit someone in another state. I don't know these people and am uncomfortable about her going. However, I'm not the boss of her.

I did tell her to let these people know that if she didn't return, I would come hunting her and/or avenge her kidnapping. In my fuzzy pink tinkerbell pajama pants with my shotgun.

You do not want to piss me off in my pajamas. I will cut a bitch. While tinkerbell looks on with a smile.

For the record I sung her my Big Black Toe song this morning and she didn't show the proper appreciation. Maybe I was wrong about her level of awesomeness. She is now on probation. Instead of clapping I got the look I get from most people. You know the look if you are as awesome as I am. The "are you freaking insane" look.

I am, but that has already been established.

V Day or Bust.

2012-02-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Big Huge Waste of Money day!

I abhor Valentine's Day. As if a vase of overpriced wilted flowers and a heart shaped box of high fructose corn syrup will show someone you love them.

My husband shows me his love by putting up with my dickery each and every day. With only a small amount of wanting to strangle me until my baby blues pop right out of my head. Brace yourselves for this truth. I, dear readers, am not easy to live with.

I drink too much, cuss like a sailor, and have a horrid temper when provoked. The worst part of it? I have...naturally curly red hair.

I wake up each morning looking like Carrot Top on crack. With an attitude to boot. It may be the way he chooses to wake me up. With his face in mine saying "Woman, woman! Wake up! I'm hungry. What's for breakfast?" Then he proceeds to get angry with me for casting aspersions on his Mother's honor by questioning what exactly she bred with to create a man who gets up earlier than the Amish.

Today we have been together for 14-15 years. I forget which. I also don't give a hairy rat's ass about anniversaries. I am low maintenance. I don't even need presents. When he asked me this morning if I wanted something for Valentine's Day I told him I have all I need. Him, the dogs, my Lu. That is enough for me. After laughing until he choked I'm sure he slunk off to buy something for me. Which should be a bottle of wine and case of beer if he knows me as well as I think he does. I do buy Valentine presents for my Lu. She is seven years old and still excited about these kinds of things.

I'm not romantic. If faced with a trail of rose petals leading to my bedroom I would immediately run for the beer in the back refrigerator. Then proceed out the back door screaming that a pod person has taken my dear husband over and for the Love of Jeebus kill it quick!

That being said...Fuck Valentine's Day and all the bullshit that goes with it.

While my co-workers get flowers delivered all day I will be over here rolling my eyes because SURE he loves you! It has nothing at all to do with you popping his nuts like grapes if he doesn't send you a present today!

If Todd wants to show me he loves me how about he load the damn dishwasher before I get home?

Trick-or-treat. Wash your feet!

2012-02-13T11:01:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed at a co-worker. Let's call her Catlady. I nickname everyone and the second she walked in the door I had her pegged.

My friends wanted to invite her to lunch, I said it is all fun and games until she pulls out her 100 page cat scrapbook. Showing us all of Mopsie's outfits she knitted from scratch. She even laughs maniacally like I imagine a catlady would.

Me: Sure is cold out there today. Looks like it is going to snow.

Catlady: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I wear ballet flats constantly. Last week I spilled some coffee in my shoe climbing the stairs to work. So I proceed to the bathroom to wash my foot. I didn't get the door shut all the way, I have one foot in the bathroom sink and am singing Poker Face and scrubbing my foot. I hear a noise. I turned around and there she stood. Watching me wash my feet and belt out Lady Gaga.

I suppose there was an awkward lapse in which I could explain why I had my foot in the sink. Instead I screamed..."Cheese and Rice can't you see I'm in here!"

I was going to explain afterward. Then my typical it's no one's business what I do in the bathroom attitude kicked in. She ran her catlady mouth off to everyone in the office.

Now I'm the weird girl who washes her feet in the bathroom sink.

I'm nothing if not mature. I plan on pouring milk in her purse the moment that bitch turns her back.