I'm taking my cousin Amber to StL airport tonight to pick up a "friend". She was in a mood this morning so I haven't yet given her my sexy rendition of her song...Amber and friend sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Also she probably would have punched me. I hope she gets some this weekend and it puts her in a good mood. Because HELLO AMBER, the only one who reads my blog, bitch, you need to cheer up. P.S. I <3 you!
Anyhoo I figure we will be killed. Something about me makes animals/people/objects want to attack. I think it is because they sense my epic awesomeness and know that they can never compare. This sends them into a spiral of self hatred they can't cope with. So they take out their lack of awesomeness on me. I'm used to it, I just bat my eyelashes and tell them they can't join my fan club. They can however join the "I hate Sondra" club, there are many card carrying members. They meet on Tuesday nights at the VFW. I sit in the parking lot drinking beer and flipping them the bird.
I should have brought one of Todd's many, many guns. These are the reasons I did not.
1. Scared to ask him. He would have been all "You would shoot someone!".
2. I would shoot someone.
3. I would be arrested for shooting someone. I'm too pretty for prison. Also, I'm a redhead and an orange jumpsuit would look terrible on me.
4. Someone has to raise my child, and that someone is going to be me. Her Dad raises her she will be a mess. Farting the tune to I'm sexy and I know it at the dinner table to entertain people. I shudder at the thought.
I received several big lectures last night from my husband, aka Debbie-Downer, or "You aren't my Dad you jackass." About me not drinking in StL because I would get a DWI on the way home, or wreck and kill people. No shit, sherlock. Instead of telling him I'm not fucking stupid I just smiled and said "Okay, honey. Thanks for caring!". I'm trying this new thing where I'm nice to him.
Instead of saying "Damnit! Why can't you put your fucking dishes in the fucking dishwasher!" I just smile and put the dishes in the dishwasher. Give me a month, I will explode and climb the town water tower with a high powered rifle.
So he was all "blah blah blah, really late when you get home, blah blah blah, if you come home drunk Sondra I swear to God!" I've told him if he would just talk about something interesting I wouldn't tune him out, he didn't so I don't remember the rest. He will probably call me one million times because he can't stand being without me. Being his Goddess is a hard job, and face it...I'm the only woman who can do it.
Well, if you don't ever hear from me again know that I think of each and every one of you fondly, except my co-workers. Those bitches can each fall down the stairs and knock out their two front teeth for all I care.
No comments:
Post a Comment